Making friends when you’re over 35 can be challenging.
When we were kids, for most of us, finding at least a few people you got along with seemed fairly easy, because we were constantly surrounded by people our own age and stage thanks to school.
You’d play with another kid on the playground, during recess or in class, and be able to form a bond. While often only built on basic similar interests and relative closeness, it all seemed fairly straightforward, and for most people, myself included, that would continue from elementary school, through high school and into post-secondary education.
Based on sport, or music tastes, concerts you wanted to see, food you enjoyed eating, most of us were able to form a few bonds that hopefully turned into friendship, even if it was just at school or via sport or activities enjoyed in our downtime outside school, and as we got older and entered the workplace, many of us would find the same.
When I was in my late teenage years and into my early twenties, I worked for a bank, and the people I worked with became the people I saw most, and as such, I started forming bonds with the ones who I had the most in common with, who were generally in my same age bracket. At the time, I still loved going to concerts; I enjoyed partying, I loved a cocktail, great food, and found others who shared and wanted to partake in the same interests outside of work, and that would continue for the years I worked there, from working in smaller towns to later relocating to Toronto. Working for that same bank, I met a bunch of great people who shared similar interests. After coming out in my late teens and in the years following moving to the city, I found a bunch of gay men that worked for the same company I did, loved to go out and be social, who I ultimately became friends with, along with a few wonderful straight ladies, one of whom became my best friend, and remains my best friend to this day, over 20 years later.
As the years passed and I started working for myself, while I spent a lot of time at home working, my work in media, social media, and planning events allowed me to make more friends along the way. We would knowingly attend the same events, catch up at each one, and use the work events that we attended to hang out, catch up, and spend time laughing, having fun, and enjoying each other’s company, that is, until COVID hit.
I’m sure like most people, COVID cut me off from the social life that I’d known, and during that period, couldn’t attend events, couldn’t see people not in the circle, and thus lost a lot of that connection, and for me during that period, I realized I could also no longer keep up with a work schedule of being out sometimes as many times as 5 nights a week, and as such, even when restrictions were lifted, for the most part I stopped attending those events, and just had people over at my house for dinner parties, went to some dinner or went to others’ houses for celebrations, with much less frequency than before.
What really changed my social life, was this past year when I moved from Toronto, Canada, to Valencia, Spain with my partner Beau and my dog Manny, leaving behind the relationships I’d formed with friends, my family who had always been within an hour of me, including my sister and brother who lived within blocks of me in the city, and found myself in a place where I didn’t know anyone who wasn’t my partner and my dog, and it made me realize, without my work over those years, without the bank, without school, how would I have made friends, and at 42, I found myself a world away from all of them, asking, when you work for yourself, when your circle is half the world away, where do you begin making new friends?
First, I started going out of my way to call, message, video call, and FaceTime the people back home that were already steadfast in my life, no matter where I lived, and that helped a lot. Next, I turned to social media and really tried to connect with people there from my own city, country, and across Europe, which was also a great way to, at the very least, make online connections with people. I was learning Spanish so used the opportunity of people who were walking their dog when I was out with mine to chat, try and connect and made a few lovely acquaintances, but the most successful so far was actually going to Spanish school here, to not only learn a new language, and more about the culture and people, it was to connect with people in a similar situation as I, and I did, over the first 3 months I met 13 lovely people who were learning Spanish for a slew of reasons during different ages and stages of their lives, and a couple of them and I grabbed coffee, exchanged numbers and started chatting through WhatsApp, and it was then that it hit me. Often when you’re younger, because you’re so surrounded by people at your own age and stage, you’re less jaded by life, and making friends often takes much less effort than it does when you’re an adult, where when you get past thirty-five, it really changes.
Where I am in life now, I want to surround myself with people who have empathy, compassion, and acceptance for all people from all walks of life, I want to know people who are challenging themselves and growing as people, I want a mix of silly conversations about nothing, but the ability to have deeper conversations about life, our journey and what brings us joy, which made me really think to myself, making friends after a certain age can be much more challenging because at that point, you don’t just want to let someone in because they share the same music tastes, you want to let them in because they share the same values, and outlook, and that can make it all the more challenging, because as we know, there are a lot of people you come across who don’t share the same values you do.
So today, I look to cultivate relationships with people I think are on the same wavelength as me; I put effort in where I think it’s warranted, deserved and reciprocated, and most of all, I build space for community to foster around me as I go through life. I’ve built communities like my Skool that bring people together after they have moved, started fresh, or are just looking for like-minded people, I cultivate a sense of community with everything I do on my social media and in my writing, and most of all, I put the effort into staying in touch with the people I love back home, to keep those connections alive and well as long as I possibly can.
I’m reminded often that things that matter take effort, so do building relationships and keeping them going, but that effort is beyond worth it to have people around you or even across the world that will be a shoulder to cry on when things get tough or the person who celebrates your wins when things are at their best, and that’s what life, and the human experience is all about, the people who enrich your life, as you do the same for theirs.