I was recording the first season of my podcast, and we got into a deep discussion about communication, not just talking, but listening. It applies to every situation and every relationship, and it got me thinking about my own life.
Do I communicate well with friends and family? Do I let my partner know how I’m thinking and feeling? Do I have open lines of conversation with people in my work life, and even on social media? It made me take a step back and think about where I am today, and where I’ve been in my past.
When I was a kid, I was so open with my emotions and feelings. For a youngster, I was actually great at both communicating and listening to what others said and needed, which allowed me to be empathetic and sympathetic in most situations. But as I moved through my teenage years and into my early twenties, I started bottling things up.
As I dealt with addiction and mental health issues, and as life and circumstances got to me, I recoiled and kept a lot of thoughts and feelings to myself, bottling them up until circumstances pushed me to the point where I’d erupt, unleashing whatever was on my mind and in my heart. That wasn’t healthy, not for me, and not for whoever I was unloading on. So I started making a change in how I processed my thoughts and feelings, and ultimately, in how I communicated with people.
As the years went on, I focused more on processing my feelings, getting clear on what my needs actually were, and learning what was important to communicate and what wasn’t. I learned that a big part of communicating properly is timing, delivery, and being able to sit back, listen, and actually hear what someone is saying back.
I think often, myself included, we assume proper communication is one-sided, just talking and sharing what we think and feel. But the reality is, real communication also involves hearing and listening to the other person’s side. Trauma dumping, yelling, or word salad isn’t communication, it’s one-sided verbal unleashing, and that isn’t how communication is supposed to work. Like most of us, I’m guilty of it over the years. This past weekend’s conversation really had me reflecting on where I am with my own communication, with the people around me, with work contacts, and with everyone I come across in life. And while I’ve come a long way, I think, like most things in life, that journey never really stops.
I was reminded this past weekend that we should always be pushing to learn and grow. I do think I have amazing communication with friends, family, and my amazing social media following, but I could do better in my work life, be more straightforward, direct, and focused. And more than that, I could be more uplifting and supportive with my words toward my partner, while also focusing on being more open.
Here’s the thing: my way of showing love has always been through acts of service. That’s how I’ve shown love to a partner, always. But I think showing up as the person you want to be should come through in every form, communication, physical touch, small gifts, the energy you bring, and a huge part of what ties all of that together is proper communication, the kind of conversation that lets both sides of a relationship be open and honest about what they need. We all have to be willing to let our guard down, aware that we can always do better, and stop letting the fear of rejection or being shut down hold us back. Rejection is part of life, and it probably isn’t coming from someone who truly cares about you anyway.
So I think it should be my mission, and maybe yours too, to take a step back and really ask: How is my communication on every level? Do I share how I feel, and actually listen to how the people around me think and feel? Am I direct when I need to be? Do I share information and feelings at the right time, in the right tone, and when prompted? Do I have consent from people before I just need to let loose? Am I trauma dumping on people instead of being open to hearing them out? Or am I having healthy, productive conversations with the people around me, ones that allow for a real back and forth, the kind that lead to learning, solutions, and forward progress?
It’s key to really learn to process what you feel, understand what you need, and find healthy ways to communicate that with the people around you, because people can’t read your mind, even if they’re close to you, even if they love you. And no one deserves to be on the receiving end of a blowup that happens because you bottled everything up until it all came pouring out. In the same way, learning to actually hear how others feel and think is just as much a part of it, giving that space and time, and actually listening and processing what’s being said. That’s what makes a great conversation, one that leads to real learning and real change, no matter the dynamic.
So the next time you’re wanting to share something, think about the timing, the tone, the delivery. Share from your real thoughts and feelings, and be open to listening to the person on the other side. Because that’s what good communication is all about.